Failure
by maybethedreamisdreamingus
Summary: Emo!Harry. Reflections upon Dumbledore's death and the road ahead leads Harry to the top of the Astronomy Tower. Rated for bad language and themes of character death. Oneshot


Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: No pairings but swearing, death, and some slightly disturbing descriptions (I didn't mean to honest!).

Failure

'The top of the astronomy tower is open to the air and the highest point of Hogwarts castle.' This is what _Hogwarts: A History _would have told Hermione so many times. Harry however had never read the book, but he still knew that the tower's open platform towered above the rest of the school, and looking over the edge one saw the stones wind away for miles down to the soft-looking green-carpeted ground. Though the ground below looked soft and mossy, he knew that a body fallen from the tower would break upon hitting the ground, frail human bones splintering and skin splitting to shower scarlet upon the silken-looking grass. He could no longer think that death could look peaceful and sweet, not after seeing his mentor's broken form lying shattered on the velveteen ground, there was nothing peaceful about the congealing red in the wizard's long white hair.

Harry grabbed the stone edge of the tower for support, eyes looking unseeingly out across the Forbidden Forest.

He had begun to notice something recently, he had always known it really, but Dumbledore's death had highlighted the issue for him.The thing was, that for all his Great Destiny his life was really completely and utterly pointless. Stuck in the stupid trivial concerns of who's-snogging-who and who damn well cares? The fact was that his life was careering towards an unpleasant and inevitable end, ergo rendering anything he did or said ultimately pointless.

The only thing that could ever render his life of any worth at all was by Fulfilling His Destiny and killing Voldemort. But, and this was the thing Harry had never told anyone, there was no possible way he could ever manage to do it. He couldn't, because that real-world thing can be a real pain in the ass when it turns around and reminds you that Believing In Yourself is just not quite going to cut it when it comes to the final battle. Even if he managed to find all the Horcruxes (firstly impossible, without Dumbledore to guide him he didn't have the first clue of how to go about that) he would then have to track down dear old Voldie (who would not be very easy to find, Harry imagined) fight of all his Death Eaters without getting killed, and then duel with the Dark Lord himself.

Harry was screwed.

Even with Dumbledore to swoop in and help him out of a tight spot he'd been pretty much fucked anyway, as the prophecy made it pretty clear that in the end it would have to be Harry who fought Voldemort. And now without him … there was simply no possible way he would ever succeed.

And he just couldn't bring himself to admit that to anyone. And even if he did they'd just tell him the he needed to Believe In Himself more. The thing was Harry did believe in himself, and he believed (though he may have been mistaken) that he existed in the real world, the one where, when the Dark Lord Voldemort cast a killing curse it was likely to kill someone, and next time he cast one at Harry it was very likely to be third time lucky for dearest Tom, after all he had been right in saying that Harry's mother's protection couldn't work again, and he'd have learnt the trick about the wands now. So there was really not much left that Harry could fall back on. He was screwed. He was going to die and the entire wizarding world would fall under the power of the Dark Lord.

But Harry had an ingenious plan. He figured that if he died _before _facing Lord Voldemort again, in some tragic accident, then the wizarding world could rise up against the Dark Lord in his stead, and Voldie would be taken down by a large group of far more experienced and talented Order members. Or they'd all fail to. But it seemed that the odds were slightly more in their favour that way then if Harry let them sit and wait for him to fail.

His decision well made and well thought out he climbed onto the short stone wall of the astronomy tower and glanced down at the swirling ground below, the sight made him feel slightly nauseous, but he jumped before he had any time to think any more.

As the cold night air rushed past him on his quick descent, Harry suddenly truly appreciated how beautiful the sound of the air was, and the glimmer of the stars. And the one thought _I want to live! _Burst into his mind just a moment before his body burst upon the ground.

* * *

A/N: Yeeouch, that was darker then I expected even, and I did mean it to be dark!

Anyway this was my response to all those suicide fics where the writers feel the need to make death pretty, dying is not a peaceful thing okay you emos? Also the idea that suicide is this easy-way-out thing annoys me, so I wanted to make sure I captured just how horrible a thing it is. And also the fact that all human beings have an inbuilt desire to survive, life for the purpose of life itself being something very intrinsically appealing to us.

So tell me what you think.


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